


i'll tell you the truth but never goodbye

by lenablthr



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, It's been 10 years, best friends to strangers to lovers, everything is eventual okay, kara misses her best friend, lena's pining, lena's stubborn, right now it's just
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:47:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26252902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenablthr/pseuds/lenablthr
Summary: When Sam suggests it might do Lena some good to relax for the night, she thinks her friend means a bubble bath and a glass of wine while she listens to smooth jazz by candlelight.Sam actually means Lena should get laid, by a fancy call girl in an expensive hotel because Lena can totally do whatever the fuck she wants and she shouldn't feel sorry about it (Sam's words, not Lena's). And while she's nervous to go through with this ridiculous plan of hers, Lena agrees, because it makes Sam happy. Lena likes when Sam is happy.She just doesn't expect the night to go like this.orThe one where Kara is the call girl, and she also happens to be Lena's old college roommate she was in love with 10 years ago and never really got over because she pushed her away and didn't deal with her feelings...so, surprise?
Relationships: (if you squint) - Relationship, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers
Comments: 7
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> repost because i honestly have no idea what happened. please enjoy!!

“This is a horrible idea.” 

That’s the first thought that pops into Lena’s head, and she voices as much into her scotch glass, her murmured, warm breath fogging the crystal. She’s talking aloud to herself, as there isn’t anyone else in the room  _ yet,  _ and that reminder makes her green eyes roll up toward the ceiling.

When Sam had suggested to Lena that  _ maybe _ she needed to take a night off, put her feet up, put her heels  _ around  _ someone’s waist… 

Lena spares another eye roll and sips the amber liquid in her glass again. 

In the grand scheme of things, what did she have to lose, right? She’s a millionaire, a doctor running a company as CEO who generally answers to absolutely no one. There was no way this could actually go wrong. She lets her shoulders relax as she paces up and down the prim hotel room once again, glass precariously held in her hand as she muses. 

_ “Sam, no, this… that’s an awful idea. I don’t, I can’t,” Lena sputters across from her best friend, the fork in her hand clattering against the laminated plastic peeling top of the table they’re currently sitting at. Sam always dragged her ass out of bed on Saturdays at 8 am for breakfast at Charlie’s, a diner across the city, and as much as Lena puts on a show of complaining every weekend, she secretly does enjoy the time spent there. _

_ And the blueberry pancakes.  _

_ “You can, but you won’t.” Sam raises a challenging eyebrow, countering the younger Luthor with a smirk on her face. Lena scoffs in admonishment, eyes cast down as she picks up the previously abandoned fork to swirl designs in the syrup on her plate.  _

_ “You smug little shit,” she finally breathes out, raking a manicured hand through her raven hair. Sam squeals loudly, causing Lena to duck her head in embarrassment, as if anyone around them actually knew what was bringing her friend such great joy. _

_ “I truly don’t understand your obsession with me getting,” she takes a beat and lowers her voice, “laid.” It comes out like a whisper, which brings a bubbling cackle out of Sam once more. Lena huffs and balls up her napkin before tossing it at her friend’s face, a giggle escaping from her own mouth when Sam jerks back lightly in surprise.  _

_ “You’ll love it.” Sam smiles mischievously as they walk out of the restaurant, careful to keep her voice low out of respect for her friend, and Lena snorts in response.  _

_ “Sure, I’ll love the orgasm,” Lena slides into Sam’s Escalade and closes her eyes, her heartbeat already picking up pace as Sam rambles on about which escort companies they could pursue, and Lena doesn’t stop her to tease that it isn’t like Sam will be there; if this brings her friend joy, she’ll let her plan the entire god damned thing.  _

Lena takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly as a flush creeps over her body making her feel very, very warm. She stops in front of the mirror hanging on the wall, taking a moment to stare at her reflection. Her lips are almost trembling and she can  _ definitely  _ see sweat beading in the crease formed between her near-constant knitted brows. She fiddles with the thermostat on the wall to lower the temperature in the room, and she smiles briefly as she hears the hum of the air conditioning switch on.

She wouldn’t admit it, but over the course of the last week, she _may_ have been daydreaming about what the woman on the other side of the door would look like; the escort company Sam chose for her was actually very professional (she isn’t sure if she expected anything less, but she wouldn’t really know). She had filled out an electronic survey for her preferences, a blush on her face the entire time as Sam stood behind her smiling like a dumbass, and Lena had almost punched Sam for laughing when the raven haired woman insisted they meet at this specific hotel in the notes section of the survey, because it fit her… fantasy better. Sam had accused her of actually _caring,_ to which Lena slammed her laptop shut and kicked her promptly out of her penthouse. 

The high bun her hair is in suddenly feels much too tight and much too formal, and she has half a mind to take it down when there’s a knock on the hotel room door that actually makes her jump. She smooths her warm palms on her pencil skirt, curses under her breath, and takes the few steps toward the threshold to let her guest in. 

When she opens the heavy door, what, or rather who, she doesn’t expect to see is Kara Danvers in deep grey slacks, a button down with french bulldogs printed in a pattern tucked neatly into the form fitted pants, and a thin, black belt snug around her waist. Lena definitely doesn’t notice the watch on Kara’s right wrist, how the leather band matches the black of her belt and of her wingtip shoes. 

And if Lena sees how the sleeves of Kara’s top are rolled to the elbow, her tan forearms flexing in time with her biceps (which Lena  _ one hundred percent _ hasn’t even looked at) as she leans against the doorway, she would never say, because her mouth is currently occupied by being agape in surprise, maybe? Shock? Kara looks back at her with a twin expression, standing up straight in an instant; the entire encounter of opening the door and all of Lena’s  _ not noticing anything  _ about the blonde in front of her maybe takes a whole forty-five seconds, and then both women begin talking at the same time.

“Lena, I,” Kara starts. 

“Kara Danvers.” Lena turns away and covers her face with a shaky hand and feels the thin layer of sweat across her forehead.

_ Yeah, it’s definitely still warm in here _ . Lena walks to the cart with the bottle of scotch atop it and refills her forgotten glass. 

Kara clears her throat from the doorway, and Lena realizes she’s just  _ left  _ her there, not that she’s...god, no, she’s not going to sleep with someone she knows.

Not that she  _ knows  _ Kara anymore. That...was a lifetime ago; Lena shakes her head to clear her thoughts and simultaneously clears her throat, beckoning the blonde into the suite. She’s nothing if not polite.

“Please, come in. Join me in my embarrassment.” She raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow and takes a large gulp, not wincing at the burn as the liquor slides down her throat.

“Oh, Lena, it’s not, it doesn’t have to be embarrassing.” Kara is quick to move towards the brunette, a little too quick actually and Lena takes a step back, bumping into the cart slightly. Kara’s face scrunches in concern, Lena guesses, though she’s looking down at her feet in four inch heels, not saying anything, so she wouldn’t really know what the blonde is thinking right now.

When Lena looks back up, Kara is still standing there, concerned (yup) eyes trained on Lena. She knows Kara’s likely waiting on her to say something, say literally anything but there are absolutely no words in her brain right now because the call girl who showed up at her 5-star hotel suite today to presumably  _ fuck her _ is her undergraduate college roommate from ten years ago that she hasn’t seen since they graduated. 

And maybe it wouldn’t be so strange for Lena if during those four years she hadn’t developed very unrequited feelings for her friend, because they were...friends, best friends, really, who did everything together; and Lena had tried for months to shake the feelings off, had tried to chalk them up as an attachment of sorts. Kara was attentive, and kind, with eyes that really saw her and a soul to match, and Lena grew to love the soft way the blonde looked when she woke up every morning, sleepy blue eyes that would blink blearily around the room before landing on Lena in her own twin sized bed and instantly lighting up, fully awake with a bright smile painted on her lips.

Lena doesn’t often let her mind wander to the times Kara would rocket launch herself into the brunette’s bed, koala cuddle to her side and demand brunch after a night of drinking; and even if Lena had a paper to finish or studying to do, she would agree to eggs benedict in bed and reruns of Friends, Kara snuggled into her side. 

Yeah, that memory is...vague at best. She definitely can’t recall that one.

“Lena,” Kara’s voice breaks the reverie she’s found herself in, almost making her drop the scotch glass still cradled in her hands. She sets it down on the cart and turns back to the blonde with a sigh.

“I’m really very sorry, this is not something I typically do.” Lena bites back a self-deprecating laugh.

“What, get lost in your thoughts? Because I seem to remember that happening a lot.” Kara tries to joke, a soft chuckle dying in her throat when Lena just stares at her with an unreadable expression.

“Okay, no jokes, got it.” Kara puts up her hands in surrender, a small peace offering to the situation the two women have found themselves in. When Lena continues to just look at Kara, the blonde shifts on her feet and eyes the white chaise before them. 

“Do you want to sit?” Her voice is gentle, and she bites the inside of her cheek in a way that is so utterly familiar to Lena that it almost makes the brunette want to scream or crawl out of her skin or leave the suite without another word. 

But in a way that’s so predictable for her, she nods and sits on the edge of the lounger. Because that’s how it’s always gone between the two of them, right? Kara says jump, and Lena asks how high; and she doesn’t even know why the blonde still has this power over her, because it’s been ten years and she’s barely given the woman a second thought until today but here she is, sitting next to a woman she… (no, she won’t even think it) and somehow she’s feeling every single thing she hasn’t wanted to feel for the last decade; every single emotion she thought she drank away and left behind on that warm, spring night in May when they hugged goodbye outside of their shared apartment, promises to keep in touch that hung lamely in the thick air between them.

She still remembers the hollow feeling in her chest as she watched Kara get into her then boyfriend’s Prius, loaded down with what was left of her belongings; she remembers the way the sadness settled in like a cold, deep and completely unwanted as they drove off, Kara’s hand pressed against the glass, her blue eyes locked on Lena’s in an unwavering stare. And she remembers sobbing openly when she walked back into the apartment, sitting down at their kitchen island, fiddling with Kara’s lone key left on the marble counter-top. 

She remembers it all, and fuck if she wants to be here any longer anymore.

“No, no, actually I can’t do this, Kara, I’m sorry.” Lena suddenly stands up, knocking a throw pillow to the floor in her haste. With a shaky laugh, she stumbles to the closet to grab her coat and purse that are neatly placed inside, avoiding the look she knows Kara is likely giving her.

A look that says:  _ You’re okay. You’re safe here. Let’s just talk. _

But she can’t do that, because she paid the escort company to send her a beautiful woman to give her the night of her life, and now that thought is out the window.

“Lena.”

She whips around sharply, the high pitched ringing in her ears dulling only slightly at the sight of Kara hunched over, elbows on her knees, a look of compassion etched across her face. 

“No, I need to go.”

“Okay. Can I give you my number, at least?”

Lena scoffs. Kara looks hopeful, and she doesn’t know how to process the turmoil in her brain and heart right now, isn’t really sure if she wants to  _ process  _ it at all. 

“We can...catch up.” Kara is still sitting, making no sudden movements to get up, not wanting to startle Lena. It gives the brunette the control in this situation and Lena knows Kara’s doing it for her benefit and that alone might be the reason she responds the way she does.

“Sure. Sure. Your number,” she replies dumbly, shuffling through her purse to grab her iPhone and opening a new contact page before handing it over to the blonde. Kara takes little time to punch her cell phone number in and hands the device back to Lena, offering a small smile. 

Lena nods and slips the phone back into her bag, tugs the jacket over her shoulders, and goes to turn when she feels Kara’s warm hand clasp hers, and she’d be lying if she said the touch wasn’t to the likes of a million fiery coals and frost bitten ice at the same time. She yanks her hand back sharply and swallows thickly, eyes meeting Kara’s intensely.

“Yeah, so, just…if you want to grab breakfast, or something on Saturday or…”

“No, I go with Sam.” 

“Oh, Sam, Sam Arias?” Kara’s face softens at the mention of a former friend. She looks like she wants to ask more, wants to...connect more, but Lena just can’t bring herself to do it. Not right now. Not today.

“Mhmm,” Lena murmurs, eyes flitting to the door in an attempt to convey her need to absolutely leave right this second before she bursts into flames or bursts into tears, she isn’t sure yet.

“Right,” Kara nods in defeat. She takes a deep breath and bites down on her lower lip and for fucks sake, Lena has to go  _ now. _

“I’ve really...I should go, Kara. I’ll be in touch.” The promise sounds a lot like the ones made in Lena’s memories and she can feel her eyes welling up with tears as she turns from the blonde and walks out of the room soundly. 

This time, she would be the one to leave first. 

And as she slides into the town car waiting for her at the hotel entrance, she doesn’t say a word to her driver other than to indicate to take her to Sam’s. She texts her a  _ 911 _ message to which her phone immediately lights up with an incoming call.

_ “Lena, what’s wrong? Was she ugly? Oh my god, we can sue the company. We totally can, I can’t believe this bullshit. You’re Lena fucking Luthor. They can’t do that,”  _

“Sam.” Lena’s voice is thick with emotion, her jaw clenched with unshed tears still threatening to spill onto her hot cheeks and her friend stops rambling at the sound of her name.

_ “Hey, are...what’s going on?”  _

“It was Kara.” There’s a beat of silence where Lena thinks the call may have dropped and she pulls the phone away from her face to check, but Sam’s still there. Finally, she speaks.

_ “What was Kara?” _

“She was. The woman, the...the call girl.” Lena’s crying now, she can feel it. She feels like a fucking idiot, why the fuck is she crying? 

_ “I’m coming to get you.” _

“No, no, George is bringing me to you.” She hears Sam moving through her house, shutting a door softly; Lena sniffles and lets out another small sob.

_ “I love you, Lena.” _

Lena’s eyes press close and she just cries softly on the phone while her friend whispers affectionate words in her ear until the town car pulls to a stop in front of a modest size two-story home on the edge of the city. She doesn’t even end the call when she sees Sam standing on the porch waiting for her, wrapped in a blanket that she engulfs Lena in as they embrace tightly in the quiet night air when the raven haired CEO reaches her. 

“It’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.” Sam murmurs into her hair gently, hands rubbing small circles on her back.

And as Lena relays the short story of how everything came to be that evening over a very large glass of red wine, Sam looking at her with empathetic eyes, sighing at all the right times as Lena expressed her feelings over and over again to her friend, she doesn’t feel any better. 

In fact, it just makes her feel worse than before, because now it’s on the tip of her tongue. The one thing she’s never admitted to anyone, not even herself. It’s threatening to burst out of her like water pressing on a sketchy dam. 

She’s in love with Kara Danvers. Or she was in love with Kara Danvers. 

“You know, you can say it out loud. I will never judge you.” Sam’s voice is barely above a hushed whisper. 

“I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” Lena denies vehemently, hand rubbing tiredly at her eyes.

“Right,” Sam drawls the word out, a sad look on her face. “It’s never going to get better unless you deal with it.”

“I know.” Lena looks forlorn, she knows. She feels it, too. She feels like her whole world just came to a crashing fucking halt and what the  _ fuck  _ even happened tonight?

“As long as you know.” Sam pats her on the head and pours the rest of both of their glasses into the sink, ignoring Lena’s grunt of disapproval. 

“Wanna snuggle and watch a movie?” Sam’s grin makes Lena smile softly and she nods, grateful for the welcome distraction.

“Just… no rom-coms, okay?” 

Sam chuckles and agrees, and that’s how the two of them fall asleep, spooning in Sam’s bed under mountains of blankets. And for a moment, Lena rests. She’ll deal with the bullshit tomorrow; she’s so mentally drained and exhausted, she’s out before she realizes her phone has lit up with a new text from the floor where it’s fallen.

**new message**

**from: supergirl**

_ hey so, yeah, i might have texted myself from your phone so i’d have your number too. and that’s so weird and gross and i don’t even know why i’m texting you right now other than to say i’m so sorry about tonight and i understand if you don’t want to reach out and reconnect or catch up and clearly you already do breakfast with sam and god i’m writing a novel here aren’t i? _

_ so, yeah. oh, and this is kara btw, if you didn’t remember your nickname for me. i didn’t know if you would so. this is weird. i’ll stop now. _

_ i missed you lena. _

_ sorry.  _

_ okay. just let me know.  _

When Lena wakes the next morning and reaches blindly on the floor for her phone, she blinks once, twice before groaning obnoxiously at the messages on her home screen.

“Fucking  _ fuck _ me.”


	2. Chapter 2

Lena’s typing away at her laptop, gnawing on her bottom lip as she backspaces on the same email she’s been attempting to compose for the past ten minutes when she utters an exasperated sigh. She hasn’t been able to focus today, was sort of a mess really during a virtual meeting she had with the head of a company earlier that morning. She balls up her fists and groans, she needs a drink. 

Or maybe two.

Her iPhone lays innocently on her desk top and she eyes it with disgust. Sure, it contains thousands of pictures and memories of her and Sam, recipes she’s saved from advertisements, and of course, all of her notes with important information saved by passcode that would absolutely  _ wreck _ her if she lost. 

But right now, the iPhone is the enemy. She seriously considers chucking it off the balcony. She wants to be nowhere near it, and that’s because it has now been three days and she has still not responded to Kara’s texts. She read them, of course she did. She’s not some fucking evil bitch who doesn’t even open the thread, instead just letting the messages fall to the bottom of her inbox as if she doesn’t even notice them. As if they aren’t the most distracting thing in her life right now.

But then again, maybe she is an evil bitch, because she  _ is  _ the whole reason she feels this way, right? She pushed Kara away ten years ago. She stopped replying to her on social media, going as far as deleting it all together when it got too hard to see Kara making new memories, ones that didn’t include Lena. As if Kara was supposed to just wait around for Lena to get her head out of her ass and just  _ fucking message her back.  _

But Lena couldn’t even do that, could she? She couldn’t then, and she can’t now. She huffs a sigh and stands up from her desk, tugging on the collar of her dress shirt. Walking to the door of her office, she pokes her head out and sees her assistant Jess sitting at her own desk, fingers clicking away diligently at her keyboard, eyebrows cinched in concentration.

_ At least one of us is being productive.  _

“Jess,” Lena clears her throat carefully, trying not to startle the smaller woman. “I’m going to head out for the day. I’m not feeling the best.” 

Jess gives her a concerned look, and Lena knows she means well, but she just wishes everyone would  _ fucking stop  _ looking at her like that. Kara, Sam, Jess. It’s getting to be a bit much. 

“Okay, Ms. Luthor. I’ll cancel your meetings this afternoon.” Jess nods professionally and taps away at the keyboard again. 

“You know what Jess, I think I’m going to need a sick day tomorrow as well.”

Jess’ eyes go wide in surprise. In all her time at L Corp, Lena has never taken a sick day, choosing instead to push through illnesses or rather she just flat out refuses to get sick at all. ( _ It’s a thing. _ )

“Ma’am, I don’t mean to be intrusive, but, are you okay?” Jess looks at Lena with big brown eyes, and Lena almost feels bad for lying. 

“I’m fine, Jess, you don’t have to worry. I have an appointment I completely forgot about, it just slipped my mind.” She smiles. 

“And Jess,” she looks at her assistant once more before stepping into the elevator. 

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Lena?” She winks playfully and Jess smiles before she goes back to focusing on her computer screen. 

When the elevator doors close, Lena’s face falls, playful demeanor gone. Her hands go to her temples to rub tight circles in an attempt to relieve the tension headache she can feel brewing there. She really needs to figure out what she wants to say to Kara before she _ says _ anything, or she might end up saying something she’d regret. 

Or would she even regret it? Maybe it would be good to get it out in the open, bare her heart and soul to Kara over cheap beer at a bar to the likes of the ones they used to frequent back in college. They could drink until Lena got drunk enough to tell Kara the truth, why she pushed her away all those years ago; why it felt like an option in the first place. Maybe Lena would even split a plate of nachos with the blonde, and they could laugh about the fact that Lena was in love with Kara, had been that whole time, too scared to say something to her; too afraid to feel something.

Lena shifts uncomfortably on her feet, the elevator making her feel claustrophobic for a moment. She inhales deeply as the doors open to reveal a bustling lobby filled with business men and women going about their days as if their CEO isn’t losing her  _ goddamn  _ mind. She knows she looks fully composed, clad in her best three piece suit, blazer crisp and hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. Yeah, she looks  _ great.  _ Inside, however, she’s had alarms blaring in her brain for the last three days. 

She makes a pass around the bright floor, her earrings glinting in the sunlight pouring through the tall windows. She smiles briefly at her employees, nods her head in greeting; she does everything she’s  _ supposed  _ to do as a good boss before she practically sprints out the glass revolving door. 

As fate would have it though, because honestly, can fucking  _ anything  _ go right in her god damn life, she slams bodily into another person in her haste to leave. She’s steadying herself on her stilettos, rubbing her shoulder, apology ready on her lips when she realizes exactly  _ who  _ it is that she’s almost steamrolled against the sidewalk. The woman surely looks the same in the eyes, albeit a little aged around the eyes; lines evidence of years of laughter, memories, life. Her auburn hair is a little shorter, cropped on the sides, and Lena notices a cute stud in the woman’s nose.  _ That’s new.  _

“Lena!” The woman’s smile is bright, features surprised but still kind, as always, and it makes Lena’s stomach churn. She wants to be anywhere but here but she’s standing on the sidewalk in her best pair of Louboutins, twiddling her thumbs, and she knows it would be rude to just walk away without saying sorry for almost topping her over, or at least acknowledging her.

“Alex, hello,” Lena’s voice is low, the sound just above a murmur that can barely be registered over the bustle of the busy street beside them. Alex is still smiling like she doesn’t know what else to say, her head shaking left and right, as if she’s searching for words. Lena knows the feeling and she heaves a deep breath.

“It’s nice to see you,” she lies easily, biting the inside of her cheek while forcing another tight smile. Alex’s face splits wide again, hands coming up and Lena worries for a moment that the woman might actually dare to hug her. Instead, Alex’s arms fall to her side limply again in resignation; as if she already knows better, as if she remembers Lena doesn’t  _ do hugs, _ well, not with this particular Danvers sister. 

“Yeah, it-it’s great, to see you, too,” Alex stammers, running her hand through her short auburn hair. “Kara mentioned seeing you, and,” she closes her mouth tight and grimaces, eyes cast upwards and Lena can tell Alex has let it slip. Maybe it was a secret, maybe Kara had been ashamed of seeing her. Lena wouldn’t blame her if she was, the way she stormed out, yet again making a fool of herself in front of the one person in the world she cared the most about. 

_ Cared. Cares.  _ It’s messy. It’s all messy. All her feelings, everything that’s been bottled inside her for the last decade. It’s only a matter of time before it all comes bursting out of her, and she knows it. She wrings her hands in front of her anxiously.

“Well, I really ought to be going, I have a meeting across-,” Alex interrupts smoothly, a hand coming out in between them. 

“Yeah, no, I totally get it.” Alex smiles again. “It really is nice to see you again, Lee. You look... beautiful, really.” And suddenly Lena is angry, in the worst kind of way, because she’s not mad at Alex, of course. She’s mad at herself, mad at the wasted time. She’s mad at all the ways she could have loved Kara, all the ways Kara could have loved her back and the years they spent not speaking to each other. 

She’s  _ enraged _ about that, and it’s on her, she knows it.  _ Stupid fucking woman. _

“You, too,” she replies in a clipped tone, and she knows she’s being rude, but of course, she can’t even bring it in her to stop for a moment and let someone,  _ anyone  _ in. Not even a person she used to be close to, someone she used to consider a friend; someone she used to get drunk with, tell silly secrets to, share jokes with. 

But she isn’t that girl anymore, and she doubts Alex Danvers is, and the more she thinks about it, Kara likely isn’t either so maybe she’s fucking  _ insane,  _ but as she slides into her town car and pulls out her phone, fingers moving furiously across the glass screen, she smiles sadly and sighs. It’s a terrible idea, just like the night at the hotel, but she finds that she can’t stop once she’s started.

**new message**

**to: supergirl**

_ Hello, Kara, it’s Lena. I know it’s been a few days but I’ve been trying to articulate a response to your texts. Though I don’t appreciate you texting yourself from my phone to get my number, I suppose I’m really not surprised. It’s very you. Or, it was you. The you I knew.  _

Lena frowns down at her screen and contemplates chucking it out the window in frustration. She backspaces what she’s typed and opens a new thread instead. 

**new message**

**to: Samantha Arias**

_ Sam. I need help. _

No sooner does she press  _ send _ does her phone light up with an incoming call. 

_ “Let me guess, Noonan’s was out of espresso and you smacked the bitch barista and now you’re waiting for the cops to show up?”  _ She hears Sam shuffling papers around and a soft  _ “eat your apple slices, honey,”  _ to Ruby, and it dawns on Lena that Ruby is back from soccer camp as of yesterday and she feels like an asshole for texting over this in the first place.

“Oh, Sam, I’m sorry, god, I shouldn’t have...” she trails off, biting the corner of her thumb, a nasty habit she’s tried to kick for years. 

_ “Oh, shut up,”  _ Sam stops her mid sentence.  _ “If I was busy, I wouldn’t have answered.” _

Lena chuckles. “Yes, you would have.”

_ “Yes, I would have.”  _ More movement in the background, Ruby giggling, and Lena can picture the young girl kicking her legs under the table while she eats her afternoon snack, not a care in the world.

Ruby hasn’t known the bitter taste of heartache, or regret, or the feeling of not being good enough, and Lena would do anything in the world to keep her from ever knowing that pain. When Sam had asked her all those years ago to be Ruby’s godmother, Lena had made her a promise, one she intended to keep for as long as she was living. She would protect Ruby like she was her own child, especially since Lena doubted very seriously she would ever have her own. 

“It’s just, I think…” Lena trails off again, and she subconsciously hopes Sam already knows what she’s about to say, and of course her best friend  _ does _ , because her response comes just as easily.

_ “You want to reply to Kara.”  _

“Yes.” It comes out in a rush of breath. Lena closes her eyes and puts her forehead against her palm; she’s not sure why she’s freaking out, why her skin feels clammy, why she’s even so  _ bothered  _ about it in the first place.

Okay, that’s a blatant lie. She knows why, but it’s not like she’s just going to come right out and tell Kara that, especially not via text message after a near decade after not seeing each other. It’s not as if Kara would just magically tell her she feels the same way, Lena knows that much. She doesn’t expect the blonde to open her arms and let her fall into them in the way she used to, the familiar way that reminds Lena of Sunday morning coffee and donuts and smiles and her aching chest homing a wild heart that she was sure never knew love before she met Kara Danvers. 

_ “Okay, so do it.”  _ Sam’s running water now, Lena can hear it. Her friend hums a Disney tune, one she’s no less learned from Ruby of course, and Lena arches an eyebrow in amusement.  _ “I’m making pasta for dinner, do you want to come over?”  _

Lena scoffs in response. It’s just like Sam to try and defuse her anxiety by changing the subject to carbs, something she knows Lena  _ rarely  _ ever indulges in.

_ “You’re overthinking it, babe.”  _ The water cuts off, she can hear cupboards opening and closing; Lena mulls the offer over for only a moment. 

“Yes, yes,” she sighs. “I’ll be there.” She pauses for a moment and switches her cell phone to her other ear. “You’re never going to guess who I ran into today...” Her voice trails off as she waits for Sam to respond. When she doesn’t hear anything from the other end of the phone, she continues.

“I’ll tell you who, Alex Danvers.” Lena says her name like it’s an electric current, shocking and a bit unnerving. Sam merely hums in response, which Lena thinks is...weird, to put it simply, but then again, maybe she  _ is _ overthinking everything these days.

When she gets to Sam’s house later that evening, she’s a bit taken back to see another vehicle parked in the driveway. With a feeling of impending dread, Lena walks up the pavers leading to Sam’s front porch and stops short with her fist raised to knock on the large oak door when she hears laughter erupt from the other side. Laughter that indeed does sound  _ familiar,  _ though, she’s not entirely sure why Sam would ambush her this way…

Before she has the chance to change her mind and call her driver, the door swings open with a  _ whooshing  _ sound that momentarily leaves Lena breathless in a way because standing in front of her for the second time today is Alex Danvers, with a tea towel tossed over her shoulder like she’s been cooking, like she somehow just _ belongs  _ here. Lena blinks a few times, sure her mind is playing tricks on her, because why would Sam’s  _ ex-girlfriend  _ from  _ college  _ be standing in front of her in the doorway of a home that feels more like her own than the penthouse she pays taxes on each year. 

Just as she opens her mouth to speak, though she doesn’t exactly trust what is going to come out, Alex smiles brightly and this time  _ does  _ pull the raven haired woman in for a hug. Lena’s entire body tenses up, but if the older Danvers sister notices, she doesn’t care because the hug lasts approximately 11 seconds (which, in Lena’s book, is far too long.)

“Twice in one day, Luthor?” And that’s when she smells it, the slight tang wafting off Alex’s breath as she pulls away.  _ Cabernet Sauvignon,  _ she thinks to herself.  _ No wonder Alex hugged me. _

“Well, this is certainly a surprise.” Her tone is reserved, steady, level. The two of them stand there for a moment, a silent stare off happening whether either of them completely realize it, before Sam rounds the corner of the hallway. She’s got a dopey look on her face, hand raised to her mouth to pop a piece of cut bread into it when she spots the two of them. It would be comical to Lena how fast Sam’s expression changes from lovesick to panic but she immediately realizes what’s happening here and she raises her eyebrow expectantly.

“Well, come on in.” Sam’s eyes plead with Lena and Alex moves to the side with a giggle, clearly not picking up on the tension between the two friends. 

“Alex, could you check on the pasta?” Sam smiles softly in the direction of the taller woman as she heads back to the kitchen, leaving Sam and Lena alone in the foyer.

A few beats of silence pass before Lena takes a heaving breath. “Alex, really?” 

“I really would like to explain,” Sam begins, wringing her hands in front of her nervously, and Lena feels herself deflate. She doesn’t like being at odds with Sam, and she knows Sam wouldn’t do something like this on purpose, or to hurt her.

And that’s how Lena finds herself sitting in an awkward silence with the other two women around Sam’s kitchen table, silverware scraping across plates punctuating the stifling quiet every so often. Ruby has since left the kitchen to read in her bedroom, leaving the three adults to indulge in homemade tiramisu (Lena’s favorite, and she knows Sam likely made the dessert to soften the blow of the surprise dinner guest). She has her eyes cast down at her plate, her fork poking at the ladyfinger crumbs before her. She wants to say something, anything, but Alex speaks first.

“So, Lena,” she wipes her mouth with a napkin, voice slurred from all the wine consumed and Lena braces herself for  _ whatever  _ it is Alex’s thinking about.

“Kara said,” she starts again, and Lena chokes promptly on her gulp of wine, spraying the red liquid across the table. She white knuckles the side of the table and tries to catch her breath as Sam grabs a towel and starts wiping at the mess she’s made.

“Okay, so clearly we can’t talk about my sister.” 

Lena barks a sarcastic laugh. “Clearly.” 

She stares pointedly at Sam, but her friend is avoiding the eye contact, still busy sopping up the deep crimson puddle. Lena feels her body flush with anger again, something she tries  _ really fucking hard  _ not to be. She presses her hand to her chest in an attempt to calm herself down, feeling her rapid heartbeat under her palm. Sam is still ignoring her stare, Alex is sloppily pouring another glass of wine, and she knows she’s  _ dangerously  _ close to losing it and snapping at them both. 

“She misses you,” Alex’s voice interrupts again. Sam winces; Lena knows Alex means well, but she’s very drunk at the moment, and the businesswoman stands up in response, lips pressed together firmly.

“I am not doing this.” Her voice is shaking, and she fucking  _ hates  _ it. 

“Dinner was lovely, Sam, and I thank you for the gracious invitation. However-” 

“Does she really mean so little to you that you can’t even talk about her?” Alex’s voice has changed into something kin to malice, and Lena whips her head to gape at the older Danvers sister. 

“I really don’t think that’s any of your concern.” 

Alex scoffs and rolls her eyes, downing the entirety of her wine in one drink. 

“Any of my concern?” Lena nods curtly and Alex stands up swiftly, setting her glass down on the table in a less than gentle fashion. 

“Any of my  _ concern _ ?” She repeats, voice dripping with unadulterated anger. “I held her night after night as she fully  _ sobbed  _ over you.” Alex is pointing a shaky finger in Lena’s direction as she continues. 

“It was like you died, Lena. She grieved you for months, and it took years for her to be able to say your  _ god damned  _ name again. And you can’t even give her the time of day? Can’t even acknowledge the way you hurt her? You were supposed to be her best friend.” 

Lena can feel her eyes welling up with tears and she blinks rapidly in an attempt to keep them from spilling out. 

“What about all the ways she hurt  _ me _ ?” Lena’s voice is gruff, emotion evident in every word. A look of confusion and then realization crosses Alex’s face, as if she’s finally putting the pieces together after all these years. Lena takes a deep breath and reconsiders. There’s absolutely no  _ fucking  _ way she’s just going to bare her heart for Alex Danvers to see, especially not in this moment. 

“You know what, no, I’m- I can’t do this.” She repeats from earlier, this time more firm and final. 

“Sam, I will call you tomorrow.” Sam nods solemnly, refusing to meet her eye contact and Lena laughs bitterly under her breath. As she’s collecting her bag and coat, there’s a knock at the door that breaks the stifling silence that’s blanketed the room.

Alex begins giggling, muttering a “great timing” to no one in particular, and Lena arches a confused eyebrow in the direction of the foyer. 

“I’ll let whoever it is in on my way out,” she says, voice barely registering above a whisper. Alex is still laughing, Sam has her head in her hands, and Lena is completely over the entire ordeal as she opens the front door. 

It feels like déjà vu as she stands face to face with a surprised Kara, the blonde’s mouth gaping like a goldfish. Lena can’t help the twinge in her stomach at the sight of her in a leather jacket and black skinny jeans, a much different outfit than their previous run-in. Alex roars with drunken laughter somewhere in the background, and Lena can hear Sam attempting (poorly) to quiet her. 

“I- I came to,” Kara clears her throat and flashes her phone up, showing the text thread from her sister. “Uh, collect Alex.”

Lena just turns away from the door and moves deeper into the house; she can feel bile rising in her throat and she knows a panic attack is imminent. Locking herself in the bathroom on the first floor, she leans over the sink and tries to remember the breathing exercises her old therapist recommended. 

Her phone buzzes twice in her purse, indicating two text messages and she’s almost afraid to look at them. However, curiosity gets the better of her, and soon she’s slumped down on the floor next to the door, shaky hand pulling her iPhone from it’s confines of her Burberry bag. 

It’s Kara.  _ Of course, it’s always Kara. _

**new message**

**from: supergirl**

_ i know this is weird, i’m so sorry to show up. i didn’t know you were here and i have no problem respecting your space but i’m worried about you. _

_ remember to count in 4’s. breathe in and then out, like dr. wocasnitz suggested.. um you know. back then. i don’t know if you remember her but _

It’s just like Kara to remember everything, even the littlest things like a therapist from ten years ago. Another text comes through as Lena stares blankly at her phone.

**new message**

**from: supergirl**

_ sorry, that’s weird i know. i just.. i care about you.  _

She doesn’t know why she does it, but for the second time that day, Lena’s fingers move across her screen as she types a response. And looking back, if someone were to ask  _ why _ she responds the way she does, she’s not sure if she’ll have an answer that’s more than: she  _ does  _ miss Kara. She misses Kara in ways that she’s never missed another human being and she truly can’t be held accountable for her actions when she’s missing someone  _ that  _ deeply. 

**new message**

**to: supergirl**

_ Can you please come here? _

There, she’s sent the five-word message she told herself she’d never send to Kara. It’s out in the open now, the way she needs the blonde. In those five words, she knows how desperate she sounds and she lets the tears roll down her face as her body shakes silently. 

No sooner does she press send that she hears a soft knock against the hardwood door beside her. She gasps softly and holds her breath before sliding her fingers under the door. When a different set of fingers gently meet hers, she lets her head fall against the wall in resignation. 

**new message**

**from: supergirl**

_ i'm here lena. i’m not going anywhere. not this time. _

She looks down sadly at her phone screen and reads the words over and over until the text is ingrained in her memory. People always leave her, Kara included. But as she sits there, Kara’s warm fingers pressing down against hers, she has a revelation. Maybe she  _ can  _ move forward, if she really tries. 

Kara’s touch grounds her in the moment. She’s always been  _ it  _ for Lena, maybe it was time she acknowledged the truth. She’s done feeling so hurt.

And so they sit there, Lena quietly counting her breaths, in, two, three, four...out, two, three, four, and she can hear Kara humming softly a tune she doesn’t recognize. But it’s nice. And for the first time since their surprise meet-up, Lena feels a little bit at peace. 

_ Just a little,  _ she thinks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is from kara's pov so a lot of her backstory will be explored and examined there (i.e how she got into call work, what happened with her boyfriend, and what lead her back to lena) i hope you guys enjoy!!


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